


Zombie Kill of the Week

by AylaPascal



Category: Zombieland (2009)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-24
Updated: 2009-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-05 03:39:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/37410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AylaPascal/pseuds/AylaPascal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Columbus loves this life.  Fresh air, wind at his back, and a trail of dead zombies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zombie Kill of the Week

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KarmasChild](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KarmasChild/gifts).



Tallahassee's zombie kill for the week was a little old lady who had crawled out of a broken fridge at a supermarket. He had been reaching into the fridge for a coke when out popped the old lady, blood running down her face, brandishing her purse as if it was the ultimate zombie weapon of doom. She smacked him around the head with it and he swore. Wichita laughed as she saw Tallahassee, cool as anything, take a large screwdriver out of his pocket and shove it into her temple.

"Bitch," Tallahassee said. He ground the screwdriver in just a little bit more for emphasis.

Columbus looked closely at the old lady. She looked like she would have been one of those doddering types before the zombie apocalypse struck. Then again, before the zombie apocalypse, he probably would have helped her across the road and asked about her grandkids. She probably would have invited him back for a cup of tea and he would have been obliged to drink it even though he hated tea. He would have probably sat there chatting to her for several hours before going home to play World of Warcraft.

Now, Columbus took out his pistol and fired a couple of shots into her head. "Rule two," he said, kissing the barrel of his gun.

Wichita poked him in the ribs. "You and your rules," she said affectionately. "How did you ever survive before this?"

Columbus shrugged. He'd been asking himself the same question. "Dunno," he said, "but aren't you glad that you have me now?"

"Nope," Tallahassee growled, but Columbus ignored him.

-***-

Columbus's zombie kill of the week was a little girl wearing a fairy costume. He couldn't understand how she had managed to stay alive so long, but a double-tap to her head sent her tumbling off the rafters. She landed straight on a spike, causing blood to spurt all over him. Her pink fairy shoes glistened in the sunlight and the tiara sparkled.

"Y'know," Columbus said, as he kicked her just to make sure, "I kinda feel sorry for her."

Wichita rolled her eyes. "You're way too nice, y'know that?"

Columbus shrugged.

"Ew," Wichita told him as he tried to hug her afterwards. "Go wash up."

Obligingly, Columbus dumped some Purell on his hands. He rubbed them together vigorously, wrinkling his nose at the smell of alcohol. He wondered what they were going to do in a few years when all the Purell ran out. Even Purell had a use-by date.

"Wash," Wichita ordered. "With water."

With a sigh, Columbus went over and washed his hands. With water. He squeezed some more Purell on them afterwards just to make sure.

Wichita grinned up at him from where she was lazing about on a lawn chair. "Come here," she said, with a wink.

Columbus bent over to kiss her. She smelt wonderful, like freshly slain zombies and bubbling energy.

-***-

Little Rock's zombie kill of the week was the only planned one. They had all been teaching her how to drive.

"Be careful," Wichita ordered as Little Rock drove along the highway, swerving to pass the stationary cars by the side of the road. "Don't go above 70."

"Zombies up ahead!" Tallahassee shouted, the wind whipping his hair as he stuck it out of the car. The blaring sound of his machine gun sounded in the darkness. The zombies turned their heads, looking rather creepy by the glow of their headlights.

"Say what," Columbus said slowly. "Little Rock, how about you take this one."

Tallahassee pouted. Or he would have pouted if he wasn't such a great big hulking man. Great big hulking men definitely did not pout, Columbus thought.

Little Rock frowned but nodded. "Well, okay," she said.

"Drive up to them," Columbus said, "and then open your door suddenly to knock them out. Then a double-tap to the forehead should do it."

"You and your double-tap," Tallahassee said with a snort. "She could just run them over with the car." He patted the car. "This car can stand it. She's a strong girl."

"The double-tap is safer," Columbus argued.

"But it means the door is open," Tallahassee pointed out.

Little Rock rolled her eyes. "How about I do both?"

Columbus watched with abject amazement as she proceeded to do exactly that. He hadn't realised, but Little Rock was probably going to turn out to be better than Wichita at killing zombies. That would be a mighty achievement.

"Atta girl!" Wichita crowed. "That's my sister."

 

-***-

Wichita's zombie kill of the week was a chainsaw. They came across a very nice, almost untouched hardware store in the middle of Kansas City at the beginning of the week and she had almost immediately pounced on the chainsaw.

"I've always wanted one of these," she exclaimed as she held it up.

"Good zombie killing device," Tallahassee grunted.

Wichita got to use her chainsaw almost immediately. As they were leaving the hardware store, a horde of zombies attacked them, blood dripping off their jaws and fingers outstretched, ready to dig into their soft vulnerable skin. With a few swipes of Wichita's chainsaw, zombie heads went flying. Wichita's eyes gleamed as she gazed around at the destruction. "Brilliant!" she exclaimed.

Little Rock giggled. "Quite a good chainsaw," she agreed.

Columbus nodded as he wrapped his arms around Wichita. He kissed her on the ear, relishing the smell of freshly killed zombies in the air. "We've done good these last few days," he murmured.

"Give it a few months," Tallahassee growled, "and America will be zombie free!"

Columbus tightened his arms around Wichita and hoped that Tallahassee was right. Then again, he thought, he enjoyed their current life. Once the zombies were gone, Columbus wasn't sure what he was going to do. He'd never thrived in a normal society but right now, as they were travelling across America, killing random zombies, he felt alive for the first time ever.

Columbus felt like he was thriving on this. Fresh air, wind at his back, and a trail of dead zombies.

This was life and he loved it!


End file.
